My last post described a remarkably trouble free day of travel, but as I have to come to realise, great airport experiences and I never seem to go hand in hand.
As the plane had landed in Dubai on time and I knew I had a couple of hours before my connecting flight, I was experiencing something completely new - a feeling of perfect calm.
I sauntered off the plane and followed the crowd to the massive board listing all the connecting flights. Dubai is a major hub, so there are a lot of flights and from the amount of people crowded around the board, it seemed to me that virtually no-one was actually visiting Dubai itself. There were so many you had to wait for the screens to rotate to see all of them. I stood there and stood there, waiting to see a flight to Kilimanjaro leaving around 2.35 pop up. Nothing. This is the moment when despite your whole being knowing that no mistakes have been made, you start wondering if you are actually at the right airport! I got out my boarding passes, looked around for some signs and verified that yes I was in Dubai and yes my connecting flight was leaving from here. So why wasn't it listed on the board?
As far as I could tell there were only 2 possible routes away from this spot. One taking you to baggage reclaim and out to the joys of Dubai, the other through security to "Connections". Well that had to be me and as I'd spotted a young guy checking boarding passes as people joined the long snaking queue for security, I was optimistic he would be able to point me in the right direction. I explained I couldn't see my flight on the board while he examined may pass. "Ah yes" he said "your flight is going from terminal 2". "And is that nearby" I enquired. "Not really - you have to get the bus and in about 30 minutes, you will be there". My heart rate immediately shot up to ridiculous proportions and while my brain was desperately trying to calm my jangling nerves and stop my stomach doing somersaults, I gently asked him how to get to the bus. "Through security and down the stairs". Well that sounded simple enough and I also figured that if we had to wait outside for it, I may be able to sneak in a quick cigarette.
The queue for security was massive and slow moving, so coupled with the knowledge that I wasn't even close to getting to my mythical gate, I could feel my nice 2 hour time cushion slipping away. What made it even worse was that I still hadn't seen a single sign that mentioned terminal 2. Did it even exist? who knew.
Eventually through security ( still no issues with the liquids in the bag) I looked around for a sign or the stairs or ideally, both. Still nothing except loads of signs pointing to gates A though to D all going in totally different directions. I whizzed about looking for some stairs, but couldn't see any, so in the end, asked yet another staff member where to go. They were actually right in front of me, but in fairness, were completely hidden by the millions of people all milling about and there still weren't any signs.
At the bottom of the stairs I could see that just outside there were loads of buses, so figured this must be the place and headed out of the first door ready to have a few puffs. I was immediately shooed back in again by a security guard, clearly you are not even allowed to stand outside let alone have a smoke. He waved towards a lady standing further down the hall (still no signs) and told me to go see her.
She confirmed that I was finally in the right place, asked me what time my flight was and then scolded me for cutting it a bit fine. I was really miffed. I'd got there as quickly as I could given the massive line at security and the fact that there was nothing to tell me where the F*** I should go. Clearly my fellow passengers bound for terminal 2 felt the same way and tempers were starting to fray. Two Spanish ladies got particularly irate and there was a bit of a contretemps over the fact that they hadn't been given boarding cards for this flight when they check in at Barcelona. The Dubai official was trying to make them go somewhere else to sort out the problem, but they were on the Kilimanjaro flight as well, had also struggled to find this spot and ( quite rightly in my opinion) were refusing to move.
After what felt like a very long wait, the bus showed up, we all piled on board and then proceeded to sit there for another 10 minutes.
This was getting ridiculous and my anxiety levels were through the roof. Eventually the bus moved off and we drove and drove and drove. Every time we saw a building that looked like it might be a terminal building we all sat up in anticipation, only to sink back in our seats as we sailed by it.
I can now confirm that my original helper wasn't wrong when he said it was 30 mins away. Dubai airport is absolutely huge and get from one terminal to the other you have to go right around the perimeter - a short cut across the runway isn't allowed.
Fortunately terminal 2 is much smaller, actually has meaningful signs and is also packed with people in Blue teeshirts with "How can I help you" blazoned across them in huge letters. Personally, I think these people would be much more use in Terminal 1, but what do I know?
I found the gate in 2 seconds flat, found the smoking room ( joy of joys) immediately after and braved that tiny room filled with smoke to top up my nicotine. One of the stressed out irate Spanish ladies was in there and she said they'd got their missing boarding passes issue solved immediately.
Back at the gate I thought I would push my luck a bit and approached the girls at the desk. "I know it's a bit last minute, but I don't suppose there is any chance of an upgrade to business - I'm happy to pay the difference". My logic was at this point they had no real chance of selling that seat and so may be giving it away at discount prices or better still for free.The girl consulted her screen, said there was just one space and if I asked the crew when on board, it might be possible.
By now it had dawned on my that although my booking was with Emirates, this flight was operates by another company - Fly Dubai. I knew nothing about them, which was probably a good job, or I might have been tempted to forget that one and try to get a last minute flight with someone else. They had a crash 2 years ago and all passengers and crew were killed. They are also a budget airline - so nothing ( and I mean nothing) is included in the price
However, still in blissful ignorance of what was to come, I hopped aboard one of the first buses out to the aircraft.
As we pulled up - I once again, thought I must be in the wrong place.
Surely we were not going to do another 6 hour flight in THAT!
Long haul = Jumbos or something similar in my book, certainly not a plane no bigger than a Ryanair Jet.
Nope, this was it and I was flabbergasted. I just hoped that my little plan to get into business would work and if not, that at least the seats would recline and there would be a bit more leg room that is the norm with budget airlines.
As I entered the plane, the first thing I noticed was that their business class certainly looked nothing like what I have experienced before. Ok there was a bit more leg room and the seats were wider, but there was no way they were going to recline fully as the rows were too close together. Goodness only knows what economy was going to be like. Still, I figured that a seat in the "I'm going to call my self business class, even if I amount to no more than posh economy" section, was still be better than whatever horrors were lurking further down the plane.
I explained my request to the head cabin crew bloke and he said he needed to wait until everyone was on board and then would see what he could do.
My economy seat wasn't great - definitely more leg room than Ryanair, but the seats only reclined about 5 degrees, so about as good as remaining upright. There was a screen on the back of the seat in front - about 12 inches from my face, but, you've guessed it, it didn't work and even if it it had - there were no headphones. In my seat pocket was the extremely sparse menu with silly prices by every item and the entertainment guide ( I should be so lucky) where I was informed that all the films and TV shows came at a cost.
By now I could see the people in the slightly nicer seats at the front were being offered drinks, hot towels and had slightly bigger fully functioning screens.
Once the plane was fully loaded (actually it was only half full, I wonder why?) the cabin crew bloke approached the woman behind me to talk about the upgrade, but I was quick to point out that it was me that had asked, before she had a chance to snaffle my posh seat.
Anyway, " we do have a seat available if you would like to upgrade" declared the guy. Great I thought, lead me to it. " The cost will be $670". What!!!! was he kidding? Does he know what proper grown up business class looks like?
The shock must have registered on my face, because he gave an apologetic little shrug. Seriously though, that was an outrageous price. I paid a lot less than that for an all singing all dancing exceptional business class experience on Qatar airways and it was a much longer flight.
So I politely said I would pass thanks all the same and the lady behind me who was all ready to pounce, also declined. We were both left in a state of shock.
Shortly after we had taken off, the cabin crew appeared with a trolley and were busily explaining to the passengers that their ticket did in fact include a hot meal and it was free. Clearly they expected everyone to be overjoyed, and were rather put out that so many people declined their kind offer.
I didn't decline and immediately realised why everyone has said no thanks. It was horrible. A few undercooked potatoes, about 3 slices of tinned mushroom, some baked beans and some mushy spinach. I would have left it except I hadn't eaten anything for 10 hours, was starving hungry and there was nothing else worth considering in the pathetic little food menu.
I asked the girl for a drink and she said the trolley would be round shortly and yes I would have to pay. As compensation she offered me a tiny little plastic cup of water, which was barely more than a dribble.
I never found out if the trolley came round because after finishing my hideous food and waiting for 10 mins I fell asleep.
When I woke up, no-one was more surprised than me to discover I'd slept through most of the flight, especially given the almost upright angle of the seat. It just goes to prove how completed exhausted I was after all the stress. It's a good job I love to visit new places, or I would never put myself through this.
The one and only saving grace was the glimpse of Kilimanjaro standing proudly above the clouds.
We landed about 20 mins early which was a blessed relief and all piled off the plane and on to the bus that clearly features as an essential part of the Fly Dubai experience.
I have to say that this bit was the highlight of the journey and everyone else on the bus clearly found it equally amusing, judging by the raucous laughter.
Right by the plane was a long low building that looked suspiciously like an airport terminal, but as we were being herded onto a bus, it couldn't possibly be so. But it was.
So the bus pulled away, drove along a bit, then did a u-turn and drove back in the direction it had just come, stopping right by the plane but just a fraction closer to the door.
This was probably one of the most ridiculous things I've seen at an airport, but hey, it gave a load of weary travellers a good laugh.
Once inside, we all queued up to get our $50 visa, then went through passport control with the inevitable photos and fingerprints. The luggage was already there and some kind soul had lifted everything off the carousel, for which I was very grateful. So I grabbed a trolley went through yet another security check and made way outside to see Tanzania for the first time.